Oct 20, 2024- In Pursuit of the Piece of Paper

 I’ve been kinda writing/not writing on paper, and some of it I want preserved on here just because. So today is a spam day.

:::

Don’t tell anyone, especially not my piece of paper, but sometimes, I wonder if I missed it. Briefly, but I do wonder. 

I’ve never really doubted that I want to become a music teacher, even now. Do not mistake my wondering for doubt. I’ve been very lucky in my certainty. I will be a good music teacher. I see that confirmed in many places in my life.

But musically? Musically, I never feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I know I’ll teach it well. But I’ve spent 6+ years of my life pursuing this thing that, at times, I feel I’m no good at. May have never actually been good at. And in pursuing it, I have been asked to set down all these other aspects of myself. I’m supposed to only care about music, want to be the best at it, want to dedicate my entire life and being to it.

But I don’t want to live and breathe only music. And I don’t want to be the best.

I wish I hadn’t given up writing. I look at my musical self in the context of this new world and I see the innateness of my writing. Not that it’s any good, not anymore. But it was natural. It came to me in a way it does not come for others, even if they love the word. And I wish I had nurtured it more. Wish it was not something I felt required to give up to get my piece of paper.

I know I have rose-coloured glasses on right now. Music makes me feel bad about myself. Writing could too. Still. Maybe I feel bad because I have divorced myself. I wish to write. I wish to art without pressure. Without the weight of paper crushing rock.

I don’t regret what I have achieved. I guess I just still miss myself.