#escapril 15 - "Perfume"

It's not april, and it's definitely not the year I started it on. But who said time was linear anyways?

 

 my cursor is blinking at me, and i have to do something, that's why i came here, but i don't know what it is so i blink back at it. the furnace is loud and strong. the enemy of my recordings is a welcome, familiar comfort tonight. familiar yet but not a comfort is the sensation of shock. i knew it would catch us one day. it may be here. 

i kinda can't believe it's not me. 

why are the easy things so hard to do? open the document. type the words. you love writing, don't you? didn't i? 

it's a shower. you step in, get wet, wash, rinse, and get out. why can't you do it?

my feet are sore. it's nice to have them up. i was looking forward to a break from working, but if we're going to miss two weeks, that may have to change. i checked my chequing tonight.

god. i hope this isn't it.

doing

 what am i doing?

i came down

to type away

type away i do

not what i'm supposed to

what is she doing?

she came down

turned off the lights

didn't notice me here

it'd be hard not to

what is he doing?

we called but he went out

work to do

work he does

what else can he do?

what are we doing?

they said stay home

keep watch 

watch what?

what do we do?

-T

Dark Green Glue

My heart is held together with dark green glue

For every bit that dried up and broke off

You were there to pick it up for me

If I were

Say

To one day

Slit a wrist

I’d bleed hunter green

If I am made of strands

I am made of strands from you

You are a sneakily central part of my identity

And not one I’d ever dream of evicting

It hurts to keep pumping this blood through this heart

But I don’t want to pull the knife out of my chest

Because if it came from you it belongs there

You are me

I like that

It doesn’t hurt bad enough to even consider changing that

I am you

I am here because of you

In the realest sense I owe my life to you

So I spend every day mourning you

They’ve hollowed out the home I carry in my chest and it kills

But no one can make me get over you

She asked me if i'd ever been in love. I asked her if she could drink water today.

:::

We’re all falling in love

But not with the ones that want us

She chases her while she chases him

And I’m tying myself back to keep from running after him when he’s hung up on her

It’s not a circle just a bunch of squiggly lines

And lines mean there’s always someone at each end who’ll win

And who’ll lose

Origami butterflies on locker doors to driving home early from the dance

I’m trying my best not to look too much or get too close

And pretending that means I have control

He said they’d probably only last 6 months,

And if I could figure out how to make that a sex joke, I’d try to make her laugh

And I’m definitely not thinking about why they tell me about their failed attempts to get the girl

We’re all falling in love, and we’re all lying about it

not personal, but i wrote for the first time in like ever and it felt ok